“To whom it may concern,
Hi. My name’s Bel Powley. I’m going to be a premier actress one day, but sadly, all such rising stars must first elevate the sort of derivative, contrived, perfunctory, and thus soulless coming-of-age/finding-yourself teenage story as Susan Johnson’s Carrie Pilby (that’s me!). It’s 2017 for crying out loud; movies can no longer end with the lead (that’s me!) unironically smiling RIGHT AT THE CAMERA without making the audience’s eyes roll all the way back into their skulls. Luckily, to help with this elevation, I’m accompanied by a crackerjack cast of supporting players (Nathan Lane! Gabriel Byrne! Vanessa Bayer! Jason Ritter! Colin O’Donoghue!), all of whom should work more.
You may think I cemented my talent in the title role (that’s me!) of the much more popular and acclaimed Diary of a Teenage Call Girl, but the trajectory of rising stars shouldn’t be judged by their best early turns, which could always be due more to superior material. True prowess is exhibited by carrying such mediocrity as this nonsense.
Seriously, no need to watch Carrie Pilby (that’s me! I’m still in character, being sooooo cutesily self-aware in an excessively familiar way? Cutesily isn’t even a word!) unless you’re a completist in terms of witnessing the total arc of great acting careers.
See you at the Oscars in a few years…
Bel Powley (that’s m–you get the idea)”