VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS (Luc Besson)

Looks like I’m going to have to start the cult fan-club for Luc Besson’s Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.

First off, how can that title not make you happy?

Secondly, the movie’s admittedly terrible, but also incredible, and mostly batshit insane, insanely fun, and aggressively stimulating in its alienity, a visual orgy of incomprehensibly-imaginative dimensions.

And it’s 10000000% a comedy, even if it doesn’t know it.

Seriously, you don’t want to support a movie in which basically the Lost Ark of the story is an alien who fucking poops out new worlds – WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM THE CINEMA?!?!

IT BASICALLY STARTS WITH AN INEXPLICABLY-EMOTIONAL SEQUENCE, BORDERLINE SHORT-FILM – kind of like the infamous-montage from Pixar’s Up, ONLY BETTER – THAT THE AUDIENCE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTEXT TO UNDERSTAND YET IN RELATION TO THE MAIN STORY. God, it made me so happy.

And the entire movie is like that! I had no idea what I was watching the whole time, and I looooooove that feeling.

Oh, and did I mention THE SECRETS OF THE WORLD’S PAST ARE LOCATED IN A JELLYFISH’S ANUS?!?!

And there’s also an entire sequence where Dane DeHaan – doing an (intentionally?) ludicrous Harrison Ford/Han Solo impression, which is somewhat fitting given the role – travels through space with fucking Rihanna. RIHANNA!!! HOW ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED BY THIS LUNACY?!?!?!

Don’t be on the wrong side of history; JOIN MY FAN-CLUB BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!

Speaking of being on the wrong side of history, my one gripe with the movie: Why not just keep the original title of the comic book series upon which it’s based, Valerian and Laureline? I understand wanting to convey it’s a big sci-fi story and not just a romance, but then why not Valerian, Laurelineand the City of a Thousand Planets? Omitting her name accomplishes nothing except misogyny.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s